Richard Richard is the kind of guy you try to avoid being. He is a miserable, unloved wanker, whom cupid seems to have ignored over the years. He is around forty years old, and very lonely. A question often on Richie’s lips is “Why doesn’t anybody want to have sex with me?” He’s tried everything to attract a woman - a Marriage Bureau, advertisements in the paper, pheromone spray; he even tried to chat up the new barmaid in the “Lamb and Flag”. He’s patriotic - he stands when he sees the Prime Minister on a video - even if it is a nudey, sex romp! - and he couldn’t wait to see the Queen when she was driving through Hammersmith. He is a self-confessed country boy (“ ‘S Out”), a descendant of Red Indians with the Indian name “Dances With the Wind” (“Bottoms Up”) and very sensitive - that’s a wanky way of saying he’s a born coward! Richie likes to think of himself as a cultured intellectual, but he is really just a poor sad git who doesn’t have a friend in the world, apart from Edward Hitler.
Richie’s flatmate and only friend, is about Richie’s age. Love, also seems to have passed him by, but he has had a few nibbles - Ethel Cardew, to name one, and there have been others. He’s got life sorted out in his own simple way. “You’re born, you keep your head down, and you die, if you’re lucky.” He seems happy enough drinking lager, watching “Emmerdale” and hitting Richie. His two best friends are Spudgun (Stephen O'Donnell) and Dave Hedgehog (Christopher Ryan). Eddie has tried many things to keep his mind occupied - model planes, making counterfeit bank notes, darts and frequenting the betting shop. Eddie is a Queens Park Rangers supporter, an avid cricket fan, and a D.I.Y. expert. Eddie is not the intellectual that Richie is, but he can outwit Richie in almost any situation.